Selfish Mothers.

February 15th at 12:00am Jameella Jaali

So the new trend at the moment is mothers loudly declaring that –

“I Love my daughter, I wish I’d never had her”

Guardian Weekend Magazine 11/02/17

Yesterday I didn’t get a chance to read the entire article,  Today I’ve read it, researched the whole movement and yes it’s a thing, bloggers, writers, Instagrammers everywhere online there are a few of these regretful parents.

I feel deep sadness reading these quotes, real anger and a need to go and hug one of my children.

I’ve worked for many years with all kinds of families as a birth partner, I’ve seen first hand that moment when someone becomes a mother. The magic the surge of oxytocin the hormone of love, I’ve got four children of my own. In fact, I’ve been a parent for my entire adult life, I was expecting my eldest son at 17. from the moment I saw that blue line on the pregnancy test I loved him, I was terrified and not sure I’d cope but I knew my baby’s needs would always come first. Through all the sleepless nights, turbulent adolescent years when I was sure he hated me. I was sure I’d done the right thing by having him. So maybe I cannot relate to these mothers who make a buck out of openly declaring that they “knew I’d made a mistake the minute she’d was put in my arms”

“knew I’d made a mistake the minute she was put in my arms”

Part of me wonders if they have a deep phycological problem, that maybe they are lacking the natural instinct of a mother. I feel sorry for them, do they not understand that to be a woman is an honour, an amazing thing. Not only am I a mother, I’m a business woman, a teacher, a writer, an adventurer a keen weightlifter. All these things are who I am, have enhanced me as a mother, it’s not a choice of either being a strong woman who has adventures or a mother, we can do both and many of us do. I found the article deeply upsetting, probably because my own mother has manic depression, she doesn’t cope well with motherhood.

The cover of yesterday’s Guardian Weekend has a very sad picture of a mother and her teenage daughter with the words “I Love my daughter, I wish I hadn’t had her” written above their heads. I feel for that girl.

She’ll probably never recover from this, can you imagine? As a teenager I had quite a few insecurities one major one was “My parents don’t love me” it was massive. I like many others had an abusive turbulent childhood and managed to escape at 17 and then six months later that blue line appeared. Do you know what I did?

I grew up. I got a job, worked my ass off with my now husband and supported and raised our son, now sons. However, I was raised working class, on a council estate in a rough borough of London. Maybe if I’d been a 38-year-old middle-class career woman who was so self-obsessed and arrogant I’d maybe be under the illusion that it’s acceptable to publically announce my parenting regrets without hearing from social services!

Class is a big factor here, why is it that the middle classes can say and do things the lower classes would be hung drawn and quartered for?

I’m not a feminist by any means, I believe in equality not that women’s rights should overtake men’s. I m a Muslim woman, we rock, seriously I know so many awesome women  Muslim and otherwise who juggle motherhood with running businesses, charities, studying for degrees in medicine and law. Our lives don’t stop.

By all means stay home and start a mummy blog if you want, relive every labour in detail every time you meet a friend for coffee, it will bore me to tears but if that’s your thing I respect that.

If you want to get back to work asap, do so, balance your obligations to your child with a career. I respect that.

Write a humorous blog and books on how your children seem to be ganging up on you, how toddlers are ass holes, I’ll read it, laugh and love you for it.

However if you publically humiliate your child and shout from the rooftops about how you should never have got pregnant I’ll hate you, pity you and you’ll earn my disgust.

To the girl on the cover, you are amazing, awesome and will do great things. I’m sure your mother loves you. One day she’ll realise her mistake, until then. You’ll get through this, I promise.