I have fallen in love, its been a long slow process and has taken many years it wasn’t love at first sight I wasn’t caught unawares this was an affection I strived for and nurtured and fed. In fact it started with hostility and disgust which took a while to get over.
Over the past decade its grown from a mild affection and respect to head over heels. The person I have learnt to love is myself. Yes I am talking about my relationship with who and what I am. I am kind to me, I am never unkind, I don’t put myself down silently or otherwise. Don’t get me wrong as in any healthy relationship I am all too aware of the personal faults I possess and yet I hide them with loyalty to me. I’m very far from perfect, but my flaws are mine, some of them are funny, some fill me with a sense of shame however I accept them all as part of who I am and love myself more for being able to spot them and work hard to iron them out with Gods help.
I give myself time to do things that make me happy and I don’t beat myself up for it. Just this morning I went back to bed and sat and read a novel for a few hours while my children watched cartoons and ate biscuits for breakfast, a luxury and I rose feeling refreshed and happy. I go for long walks, I take long baths, I read and I study and I write, I garden and I cook, I make time for my friends and my career all these things make me feel comfortable that even though my most important roles are as a wife and a mother I have an identity outside of them.
One of the most important lessons I have learnt is how vital to my health and well being it is to say no when I mean no, no I cant take on that extra role, no I cant do that favour. This stops negative feelings and prevents me getting myself stressed when I stretch myself too thinly, a true friend will understand when you say “No I cant do that I’m sorry.”
Putting myself first is not something to be ashamed of, I eat when I’m hungry and I make time for my soul to be fed with Quran and ibadah make dhikr and I rest when I am tired. I cuddle people I love I read stories to my little ones and we have fun. I never make a martyr of myself, my house is not spotless and my laundry basket is always full, I carry a bit of extra weight and I am not as strong as I need to be but i am happy with who I am right now, I can work to change things one step at a time and I’ll congratulate myself on my achievements on my journey.
I love that I was made a woman, that my body follows the cycles and that I feel the changes within physical and emotional as I move through the month. I love that Allah has blessed me with children that my body has sheltered and birthed and fed. I love that all the trials and hurts I carry don’t weigh me down and I can shake off depression by turning to my creator and crying my tears to Him who alone knows the pain I feel. All thanks is to Him alone.
I love that I have to keep pushing myself and that I have grown round and soft over the years. I look forwards to my future and whatever Allah decides is right for me I’ll put my trust in Him and be thankful by His will for who I become.