Coping With a Miscarriage

I miscarried. There I said it. It had been coming for weeks and yet still it was frightening and over whelming.

I have had four children so I know about contractions and as a birth partner have an arsenal of pain coping tricks up my sleeve. Nothing prepared me for the end of my pregnancy. There is no support for women who are less than 12 weeks pregnant, go to A and E is all my midwife told me when I tried to explain the bleeding.

There is another way, many women may find the thought of natural miscarriage daunting and for some its a healing. its important to look out for excessive bleeding and signs of infection. If you feel dizzy or faint then you need an ambulance, if your heart races or you feel feverish call 999. its better to be on the safe side.

I was determined to stay at home, hadn’t i planned a home birth? So a natural miscarriage was the way to go for me. I upped my iron intake a week before hand, I was spotting so I knew it was on the cards though I told myself it was for the healthy development of the placenta, I am naturally a sunny side person, my glass was full, not even half way ! I had even planned the cloth nappies I was going to use, actually I’ll be receiving one of those in the post soon via ebay.

After weeks of bed rest (mind slowly dying) and avoiding anything that might bring on a miscarriage, the endless worry about the spotting and bleeding it was a relief when the contractions began, I behaved as I do when I am in labour, I carried on as normal, I sat and did my ironing while watching cartoons with my youngest son. I had a hot water bottle tied to my belly for the pain. I breathed through them and made a mental note of each one. When they got too bad to ignore I went and sat on the toilet and rocked. I placed a plastic tub in the toilet to catch anything that came out and catch it it did. Thats when I lost my cool, I didn’t dare to look at what had just happened, I called my husband and asked him to look while I went to another room to cry. He did look and told me its a sack. he even looked within and reported there was no sign of anything human looking, which means as I had suspected my pregnancy hadn’t been viable from the beginning.  he buried it in the garden under our passion flower, very fitting I think.

I went to bed with my hot water bottle and a big mug of birth tea, hot water with a couple of tea spoons of organic apple cider vinegar and a pinch of cayene pepper, there i tried to rest between the continuing contractions. I prayed a lot in these hours and cried and cried to Allah because he alone tested me with this and he knows how I felt and how I feel. I recited Quran and prayed and felt peaceful.

A few hours later I felt the need to get to the bathroom fast, we only have one toilet and a lot of people in our house so camping out there wasnt an option. When I got downstairs my son was in there, I huffed and puffed my way around the kitchen while I waited I knew something else was coming, it was the placenta i sat on the loo and it was there on my pad i freaked a bit and flipped it into the toilet, I thought it was an enormous clot it wasn’t until later I realised what it must have been. After that the contractions continued for hours I was exhausted and feeling desperate and tired so I called NHS direct knowing they’d send me an ambulance if i mentioned how much blood i was losing. Calling them was the lowest point of the whole thing the girl I spoke to was patronising and rude intent on trying to figure out my ethnic origin and asked me “what makes you think you’ve miscarried”

“erm the fact I’ve lost the sack, embryo and placenta was a big give away”

I took some paracetamol which did nothing except keep me awake all night!

So I ended up staying home, I passed a few more clots and the pain finally stopped, I had the first pains at about 3pm they stopped at about 11 pm so it really was like labour. I lay on my bed and had a little cry with my husband and thanked allah for his endless kindness if i had to miscarry this was the best way for me.

A miscarriage where the embryo has no human features is classed at irregular bleeding islamically and so we continue to pray and fast. However if my embryo had anything that looked human then I would stop salah and fasting until the bleeding had ceased. heres a great article what explains it all in detail.

Ruling Concerning a Miscarriage

Question: Some women have miscarriages. Sometimes the fetus comes out fully formed while at another times it does not. I would like you to make clear the ruling for prayer in both of those situations.

Response: If a woman has a miscarriage and the fetus has clearly human figures to it, such as a head, hand, leg and so forth, then her bleeding is post-natal bleeding. She follows the rulings of post-natal bleeding. She does not pray or fast and her husband cannot have sexual intercourse with her until the bleeding stops or she completes forty days. If the bleeding stops before the 40th day, she must make ghusl, pray, fast during Ramadhan and her husband may have sexual intercourse with her.

There is no minimum length of time for post-partum bleeding. The bleeding could stop after ten days, more or less, and then she must make ghusl and all the laws of a ritually pure person apply to her. If she sees any blood after the fortieth day, it is considered bleeding from illness. She would then fast and pray with that bleeding and it is permissible for her husband to have intercourse with her. She must make ablution for the time of every prayer, like the mustahaadha,1 as the Prophet (peace be upon him) told Fatima bint Abu Hubaish, 

“Make ablution for the time of every prayer.”2 

If the blood that flows from her after the forty-day period coincides with the time of her menses, then it takes on the ruling of menses. It is forbidden for her to pray or fast until she becomes pure. And it is forbidden for her husband to have intercourse with her.

However, if what comes out of the woman does not resemble a human being, such as when it is simply a smooth lump of flesh or clot of blood, then she takes the ruling of istihaadhaand not that of post-partum bleeding. She should pray, fast during Ramadhan and may have intercourse with her husband. She should make ablution for the time of every prayer while keeping herself clean from the blood by a panty liner or something similar, like themustahaadha, until the bleeding stops. She may also combine the Dhuhr and Asr prayers together and the Maghrib and Isha prayers together. She may also make a ghusl for the combined prayers and a separate ghusl for the Fajr prayer based on the confirmed hadith of Hamnah bint Jahsh. This is because she is to be treated like a mustahaadha according to the people of knowledge.

Shaikh Ibn Baz  ~ Ref: http://www.kalamullah.com/menses.html

I sincerely hope that my story helps someone.

I’m now focused on healing myself trying to eat regularly easy to digest nourishing meals along with the birth tea and raspberry leaf tea as well. Reading Quran and listening to it is a big part of the healing process for me as well.